Salad: Hey! Looking at me? Trying to lose some weight, huh?
Me: No. Actually. I’m just – you know, on the road, eaten a lot of deep-fried food. Kinda looking for something grown in nature, you know?
Salad: Say no more! Just for you, here’s a giant basin full of chopped romaine lettuce.
Me: Errrmm. Uh, OK. Yeah.
Salad: You could fit a toddler’s head in that basin.
Me: I believe it.
Salad: But lettuce isn’t much fun by itself, right? So here’s a packet of black beans, corn and chopped tomato. Flavour time!
Me: Oh, that’s better.
Salad: But there’s not enough protein in beans alone. This packet is full of grilled chicken breast, white meat only! Now we’re talking!
Me: Protein is good. Yeah, OK, great salad. Thanks.
Salad: Hold on, you need dressing! Always have to have dressing on a salad. This packet is full of ranch. Tangy, creamy, and only a thousand calories a teaspoon!
Me: Uuh, wait a minute, that’s not – I mean, all right. I guess I can…
Salad: And of course, here’s your cheese!
Me: What?
Salad: Your packet of salad cheese. It’s not a salad without cheese.
Me: Why would a salad have cheese?
Salad: Sorry, I can’t understand you. Must be the British accent. This is shredded tasty cheese from Wisconsin, and it’s orange! I can’t tell you why the cheese is orange, nobody actually knows.
Me: Right.
Salad: And your packet of bacon!
Me: Oh, for fu –
Salad: No fudge in a salad! Ha, weird tourists. Salads are healthy. And here’s your packet of corn chips.
Me: Why on earth would I need corn chips in a salad?!
Salad: For the crunch! Crisp, crunchy salad!
Me: What about the lettuce? The bacon? Don’t they crunch?
Salad: Not enough.
Me: I’m leaving.
Salad: WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR PACKET OF BBQ SAUCE! IT’S DOUBLE-SAUCE TIME!!! SWEET, TANGY BBQ SAUCE FROM A SECRET RECIPE IN SOU-
*The author would like to acknowledge that the BBQ Chicken Salad from Trader Joe’s Santa Monica is indeed delicious, if pushy.