Builder: …Yup.
Me: Sorry, I know it’s late.
Builder: …Yup.
Me: It’s just, I was thinking…
Builder: Is this about the conservatory?
Me: No no, I’ve moved on from the conservatory idea.
Builder: The hidden staircase? The bedroom wall moved another four inches?
Me: Ha, no, it’s just about the windows. I was thinking – well, worrying actually… The windows downstairs, is there some kind of, I don’t know, steel mesh? Bars or something?
Builder: They’re windows. They have to be transparent. So you can see out of them.
Me: I know, I’m just thinking about… security, or something. What if someone breaks in?
Builder: Are you expecting to be burgled?
Me: Not exactly.
Builder: This isn’t really a high crime-rate area.
Me: Yeah, but…
Builder: …
Me: … What about, you know…
Builder: … No…
Me: … Zombies?
Builder: …
Me: I mean obviously zombies would be unexpected, but that’s the thing about unexpected things, they happen when you don’t expect them, and what if the zombie apocalypse hits? How do we secure the property then?
Builder: …
Me: I mean obviously we’re already up the mountain and it’s to be hoped that most zombies won’t go to the effort of crawling all the way up just to feast on a sparsely populated area, but if they do then how do we prevent entry from hostile entities?
Builder: …
Me: I mean obviously I guess it depends on whether they’re the slow ambling corpse zombies like Shaun of the Dead, or, like, the super-fast rage zombies like Hamish McBeth or World War Z.
Builder: …
Me: I don’t know. I guess…
Builder: They’re double-glazed.
Me: What?
Builder: Your windows are double-glazed to meet the energy efficiency requirements. That’s two layers of toughened glass. I’m not saying you can’t get through them, but you’d need a sledgehammer and a lot of time. The fast zombies probably won’t have the focus to wield a sledgehammer at the same spot for twenty minutes. And the slow zombies won’t have the energy.
Me: Oh.
Builder: I’d be more into securing your perimeter. Put up some fences, big gates. It might not stop every zombie but it will slow down the hordes, and then it’s easier for you to pick them off one by one. The ideal spot would be in the elevated roof section. At the moment, the designs have it facing only one way, but it would easy enough to cut through that section of the roof and then you’d have three-sixty degrees of motion for a machine gun, take out the zombies before they even reach your windows.
Me: But what if we do get hordes? What if the rage zombies just beat through our windows with their bodies instead of a sledgehammer?
Builder: In that case your best bet would be to dig a moat around the primary residence, clearing the exterior walls by a minimum of five feet, fill it with diesel and light it on fire.
Me: Huh.
Builder: The boys would love it.
Me: That’s true. But not environmental. I suppose if the zombie apocalypse had already taken out a substantial chunk of the human population, Yarra Ranges Council might not be enforcing environmental standards any longer.
Builder: I bet they would though. If you do decide to go down the moat route, you have to let me know before I finish up with the excavator.
Me: Fair enough. Goodnight.
Builder: Goodnight.
Want to know what else happens on the mountain? Read more about Mountain life here; https://mountainashchapter.com.au/?cat=4
Did you know World War Z is probably Brad Pitt’s only zombie movie? Check it out here; https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1