I’m feeling old. I am 66. That is starting to sound old to me. My dad died at 72… that seems close now. My right knee has given up the ghost: some of the cartilage is gone and bone rubs on bone. Every step hurts: I walk with a constant limp. The joints are stiff, and my body is slow.
But my mind is as active as it has always been. It never stops. I still have lots to think about. I like to write so I still have stacks of ideas that I want to ‘get onto paper’ (get onto screen). But my age – it is working against me.
I have become aware that I am not noticed anymore. I am too old. I am not worth asking an opinion from. In a group, I have for a long time accepted that I am no longer the interesting person. I am not even an interesting person any more.
It was different when I was younger. As a high school teacher in my 20’s and 30’s (with long hair and beard) the teens thought I was a pretty cool guy. When I left high school teaching and became instead a lecturer at a college, it was even better. I had adult students now, people who wanted to be there. They were genuinely interested in the content of my classes and they were keen to learn as much as they could. I loved those years. But I wonder now if part of my joy was because I was so ‘sought after’ for an opinion, so listened to by the students I taught. If so, well… that’s not really a good thing, is it. It’s all a bit… self-focused.
I sure hope my love of those years lecturing, was more than just that. I think it was. There was: the joy of research, the joy of teaching, the way it stretched me, made me seek out more knowledge on the topic that I might otherwise have acquired, the joy of making life long friendships with some of the adult students about my own age, and the joy of seeing some of them surpass me in their academic pursuits. There are a lot of reasons why I loved that work.
I finally moved on from lecturing. Now my (part time) work in a different field, combined with my age, does not generate the same kudos as in those by-gone days.
There is still one thing I can do that impresses a group I might be a part of. Those who know me are aware that I can do some pretty good card tricks. When I do them, people are surprised. They are caught in a bit of wonder and joy for a few moments. But as soon as the performing pony has done his thing, and the conversation moves onto other real-world issues and discussion, my views are not sought, nor wanted. If I volunteer them, they are ignored or dismissed. Sometimes I am even told to stop talking because I am being too controversial.
Recently I was told to learn a new skill, and that skill was to be ‘unoffendable’. I was sharing an opinion on politics (the abuse Julia Gillard had to endure, as a female Prime Minister). I was lamenting how badly she was treated especially by the then Opposition leader. I offended some people who are more conservative than me. As a result, I was told that I needed to be more unoffendable. I really didn’t think I was talking in a way that expressed offense. I was sharing my thoughts quite calmly. Then again, maybe I am self-deluded and was offended. But even if I was, I wasn’t saying my comments in a way that was emotional or passionate. Nevertheless, I got told to be more ‘unoffendable’ and was offered a book to read on the subject.
Funny thing is, that the others who were encouraging me to read that book, were all offended by my comments. I think they were actually more offended in the moment, than I was. I guess we all needed to read the book (and they were projecting onto me).
I think I have reached the age of irrelevance. No one needs me or my reflections anymore. I use examples that are too old, I speak in ways that are ‘not in vogue’. I try to contribute to conversations and people either ask me to not go there, or to stop being so sensitive (or so offended). Even my jokes are treated with the look of ‘there’s another old bloke trying to be funny’. (People use to really laugh – genuinely and enjoyably – at my jokes when I was younger. I counted myself a good story teller and joker… but no longer).
The things I love to talk about just don’t seem to interest anyone any more. I like to talk about movies I have seen. I like to tell jokes. I like to talk about politics, even religion. But no one seems interested in talking about any of those things these days. Movies: don’t spoil it for me: tell me nothing about it! Or: I’ve seen that one, no need to tell me anything. Jokes: not funny anymore. Politics and religion: don’t be so controversial; don’t be so offended; why assume you know that to be true, maybe you’ve been listening to fake news.
Everything that makes me, me, is boring to those around me now.
I was sharing these reflections with my wife recently, and she suggested that the way forward might be to see ourselves in a new phase of life: we are now at the age of being the listeners and encouragers. We don’t have to have opinions that need airing (unless asked); we don’t have to have suggestions and reflections. Rather we can be the interested listeners to those around us. We can show a genuine curiosity in them, and encourage them in their pursuits and dreams.
That seems to be the best answer to my dilemma. It is either that or… sit in a corner and die.
I will still write and seek to be published in academic journals and magazines. I will still attempt to share from my research, reflections and ideas, while my mind is active enough to do that kind of work. My mind has not yet gone the way of my knees. It is still on full throttle: it can still run and jump and process and consider. If I can still pass peer reviews and get published, then hopefully someone out there is still informed, and perhaps even learns something from my writings at least.
But to change emphasis and become an encourager? That might just be the way to go. A listener and a person who makes others feel heard and valued. I am under no illusion. That will be challenging for the one who used to be the focus of attention when younger. It will definitely be a conscious struggle, but clearly it is a good goal to now aspire to. Another change of life… a change of emphasis… a change in my attitudes and behaviour.
I wonder if I am up to it?
To visit the National Ageing Research Institute, click here; https://www.nari.net.au/
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