Six easy steps to working bliss
Step 1
Choose a place of employment that is loved by all, that way your customers will be instantly in a good mood and happy to see you.
We recommend Centrelink, DHHS, or one of the Telecommunications or Electrical Companies.
Step 2
Request a position that requires you have a lot of interaction with the public. Enquiries, Disconnection or one of the top jobs in the Complaints department are our favourites. Then you can end each day with that wonderfully satisfied feeling you get from helping people.
Step 3
Having a boss that challenges you to be better every day and is not afraid to keep an eagle eye on you and make you accountable, is the best! This boss will know exactly how to hand out praise and commissions fairly. If they seem to take credit for your good work, don’t worry, that’s the best result for you! What an honour!
Step 4
If at all possible, outsource your enquiries department to offshore. This will ensure that by the time the customer sees you, they have had a very satisfactory experience and are really happy to see you.
Step 5
Popularity amongst your colleagues is key. Let them know early on some of the best reasons to take a day off. And, that you’re really happy to cover for them, no worries.
In no particular order our best suggestions are:
Injury to body part – it doesn’t need to be necessary for their work either!
Transport problems, especially their car – this can be anything from possums are squatting in the engine, to their flatmate crashed their car at the roundabout. Adding random details makes it more believable.
Food Poisoning – nothing else to say here.
Necessity of taking a distant relative to hospital because no-one else can. This one might seem a bit vague and random, that’s why it’s good.
Migraine – it’s vital to establish early on in their employment that they suffer incurable migraines. Instant outage, even half way through the day. Winning!
Step 6
If at all possible, make yourself available for positions that necessitate face to face contact with you customers. Don’t believe all the stories of spitting, swearing, abuse and telling you to go back where you came from, when you come from Chelsea Heights. This is just lies, rumours and here say. Spread by your colleagues who don’t want to give up this treasured role of helping the people who still like to walk around in public when they could be doing this at home. Bless!