Colour hasn’t been a thing since 1993. Since scrunchies and hypercolor t-shirts, is that what you want? Armpit-neon on your walls? Our houses are white now, white on white. Whiter than white. But don’t worry, because there’s a world of colours in white.
Just not literally.
And every white tells a story, the story of your home. So choosing the wrong white is going to tell people the wrong story. The story you don’t want them to know.
Take Lexicon, for instance. Lexicon is the white used by every corporate office and public institution in Australia. Lexicon says there is a word to live by in your home, and that word is “Default”.
Of course, you can swing too far in the opposite direction, with something like Light Rice. Slap Light Rice on the walls, and everyone will know instantly you write free-form anti-capitalist poetry. Light Rice is always the backdrop to a unique collection of vampire novels.
But in between faceless and overly face-full whites, there’s a beautiful non-rainbow of acceptable whites. Semi-faced whites. Whites that might be the right white for you.
For our hot climate, try a crisp white like White Polar Quarter. White Polar Quarter tells your guests you are stylish and cool, and waiting for them to leave.
Not convinced? How about Ecru? It’s a great setting for all those “Live, Laugh, Love” signs and the scatter cushions you have all over your house. Or perhaps you’re a Beige Royal person who soaks bio-dynamic legumes and makes their own deodorant with baking soda and compost. Or Handmade Linen, which is the perfect foil to the hundreds of travel photos on your walls including this darling little place in the Czech Republic you won’t shut up about.
See, there are whites to suit the whole range and diversity of nice middle-aged women. Like Antique White USA, which practically screams you need riesling to deal with your kids but will put down the wine glass immediately to explain in depth your curly hair care routine. Or Owl Wing Half, which has a touch more red and says instead that you’re engaged in a passive-aggressive conflict with the neighbours over the agapanthus border. It’s a subtle difference.
Want something more edgy? Maybe you need Hog Bristle, whose only feature is to guarantee you’ll be spending the next decade telling people “Of course I’m edgy, I painted my walls in Hog Bristle, didn’t I?”
Are these whites still too warm for you? How about Snowy Mountain, which tells your visitors you didn’t cry in The Notebook? Or maybe Silver Tea, for the proud homeowner with shaker-style cabinets and whose in-laws are heading straight for the retirement home.
Still can’t decide? Try Whisper White. Whisper White says you watched an internet video of a comedian who was making jokes that were a bit sexist so you didn’t laugh, but the comedian had an ethnic background so you felt perhaps you should have laughed to prove you’re not racist, and that was five months ago and you haven’t stopped worrying about it since.
China White?! No. I mean, it’s in the catalogue. But no. I did hear of a lady, once, who painted her house in China White. But then her house exploded. Which is, objectively, bad, but is it as bad as China White? I don’t think so.
We are all so unique and these whites are as unique as we are. Just make sure to choose the right white for your life. The white you can stare at during your next existential crisis at 3am. The white that makes sense through the haze of red wine and snotty tears.
Note: the author’s home is currently being painted in Antique White USA
Do you have a sudden, urgent need to peruse the Dulux Whites and Neutrals chart again? Skip straight to it, here; https://www.dulux.com.au/colours/collections/whites-and-neutrals
Still laughing at Elissa McKay’s work? Read more of her, here; https://mountainashchapter.com.au/?author=2